Gallery Promming Behaviour: Do's - And what NOT to do!

I love the Proms. It's two months of surprises and delights. My passion is live classical music. With a bunch of like-minded friends. What's not to like? For two months of the year, we can stand or sit, listening to some of the best music in the world, with a very special atmosphere. In a heatwave, that atmosphere can become enervating...I understand we are promised air conditioning next year...Let's hope it's silent!

Gallery folk are an eclectic and cheerful bunch; we even have a couple of refugees from the Arena! We boast a wide variety of talents and abilities between us. In common, though, is a real love and knowledge of classical music. We welcome those who've set out on the road of discovery; I know I'm grateful to those who welcomed me, some 15 years ago, when I bought my first Season Ticket. Well, some folks have a very different idea of what constitutes acceptable concert behaviour, albeit in a relaxed atmosphere. Each year, those of us who attend regularly marvel anew at what some believe constitutes 'concert behaviour'. Some of us can get cross. So, to help the newbie Prommer, here's some suggestions on getting the best out of the concert - and the Gallery Prommers!

Accentuate the positive...

• ASK if there's any space at the rail. Asking politely, especially if you're a first-timer, will generally melt the hardest of seasoned Prommers' hearts. Though it will be easier if you're on your own, and not part of a group.
• DO be sociable & friendly with season ticket holders. Some of them - especially the older ones - have been attending Proms for many years. Some can even remember Proms held in the Queen's Hall (bombed in May, 1942 - see this link for some Pathe stills). That's a lot of musical history to plug in to. "How long have you been coming to the proms?" is a good start...
• DO be respectful of others' personal space. This isn't the Tube, and standing closer than one foot behind someone is highly intrusive. Especially if you haven't introduced yourself. Trying to 'shuffle forward' into clothes, bags, etc. also isn't welcomed.
• COUGHING -  it's surprising how much coughing can be restrained. If you are minded to do that, be so minded! At the very least DO use a handkerchief.
• DO TURN YOUR PHONE TO SILENT. Nothing, but nothing, jars like a mobile going off. It's the mark of a Very Naff Person Indeed. To those twats who don't: you're not important, you're just Very Sad. And looking at Facebook during the music is just plain pathetic.
• DO bring a sandwich, or a small pot of salad, for interval energy replenishment...(see Eating & Drinking). Note: I said 'interval'...
•  DO transfer your wine from a glass bottle to a plastic one. Also, do use plastic containers to drink from, irrespective of beverage. Less risk of breakage! DO be discreet: Redcoats have been known to confiscate bottles. DO be discreet about opening your can of fizzy drink (not during the music, please). And about displaying it..

And now the Don'ts. I'm sorry these are longer - but there are some attendees with strange views of what's acceptable behaviour at a classical music concert...

Dress

• Please - no clacky, clumpy, squeaky shoes. Take them OFF, especially if you need the toilet in mid-performance.
• Please - no jangling bracelets, earrings, hair ornaments. You won't add to the music. Rather, the reverse.

Behaviour

• DON'T talk - even in a whisper - while the music's playing. You WILL be heard (the Gallery's accoustically perfect for this). It IS a distraction. 
• NEVER, EVER barge up to the rail to "get a good view" if there are people already there. This is plain Bad Manners, and won't be acceptable. You will not have a good, or welcoming, reception.
• If there are coats or bags adjacent to the rail, but not people, it signifies that the owners have gone to the loo, or the bar, or to find a programme-seller, and that they will expect their coats and bags to be exactly as they left them and the rail still to be vacant at that place for their return. DON'T move others' possessions!

Photos

• You are asked not to take photos - taking them during a performance is an absolute NO. You will get short shrift if you do this.. Do not respond with a 'V' sign: it merely confirms that you are not there for the music, and are a peasant. Shots at the end are acceptable; in many bays, the regulars will have left swiftly, leaving you free to move in.

Applause

• DO NOT applaud if you are not absolutely sure that the piece has ended; silence may indicate only a break between movements or even just a pause in the music. 

•  Especially for pieces that end quietly or contemplatively, only applaud after the conductor has lowered his or her arms.

Nothing wrecks the ending of a deeply-felt piece of music like the clever-clogs who rushes in to be first to clap. Some conductors are better than others at controlling the audience, too! The safest bet here is to observe the behaviour of the front row of the Arena Prommers.

Eating & Drinking

• DON'T EAT while the the music is playing. If you're that hungry, you really should have stayed at home, & possibly listened to BBC Radio 3. It's not 'Proms in the Park'.
• If you really must buy & eat crisps, DO NOT, EVER, eat these while the music is playing. Ditto with any food that comes in a noisy wrapper.
• Plastic carrier bags are ubiquitous. They are noisy. DO NOT delve during the music. 'Nuff said: you should be getting the drift by now.

Why these don'ts? The regulars are there for the music. (We hope you are, too) They focus on it, and concentrate. Distractions & noise break this focus; season ticket holders don't look well upon a lack of manners. If you don't get told off, you're lucky. But you will not be welcomed. You will barely be tolerated.

Finally...

If you indulge in your special brand of callisthenics during the interval, you will be laughed at. It may not be subtle, either...

Just in case any reader thinks I'm a finicky old biddie, may I add that several people added their suggestions to this piece, all of which have been incorporated.

A word on the Last Night - it's NOT a jingoistic celebration of England & Empire from the turn of the last century. It IS an end-of-term party, for those of us who've attended regularly throughout the Season. One Prom attendance does not a 'regular Prommer' make!

Heard this year from one of the Stewards - A quartet of people bought a Fortnum & Mason's picnic hamper (minimum cost £50), replete with glasses, china plates, cutlery, and foodie goodies. They paid a fiver a head for entry to the Gallery. They left the picnic hamper behind, having eaten the food....

Picking up the pieces

Getting over grief? It takes time...

An apologetic nurse phoned: "Your mother's had a fall; she's been taken to A&E in Merthyr. I think you ought to get there..." It's the phone call that everyone with an aged parent dreads hearing, and worse still when that parent is already in the care of  the NHS at Cwm Cynon, near her home in Aberdare.

The pathway to Cwm Cynon Hospital

There followed  frantic phone calls with other members of the family, and the arrangement of travel for the following morning - no good travelling that evening, as there is no transport to get from Merthyr to Aberdare after 6.30pm. It's a long way from London, with its easy access to tubes, overground trains, and - where needful - night buses.

My mum was 92, with "end-of-stage heart failure". I'd already had the discussion with nursing staff about interventions. Dad had died in 1999, and she never really recovered from this. Her life had slowly shrunk: walking was slow and difficult, macular degeneration rendered reading (and watching TV) impossible, and hearing aids do not restore that which is lost. A life fined down to the taking of medication, and memories of my father. She'd been in Cwm Cynon for a couple of months, but wanted to get out. Who could blame her? In a side room all day, with only her thoughts for company, and the brief visits of family and friends. She recognised she was no longer able to live alone in her sheltered accommodation, and that a care home beckoned. We knew that her heart was gradually packing up, and that it was highly probable she would die before the end of the year. But this? It was sudden, and shocking.

I don't blame the staff at Cwm Cynon. Without exception, I always found them to be patient, compassionate, and gentle. They were just short-staffed on Friday 13th September: one individual had to take emergency leave, another was off the ward attending a patient. Mum wanted the toilet, rang; then tried to make it alone. She fell onto her face, with the loss of a tooth, and horrific bruising; she looked like the local mugger had given her a serious beating. There is much to be said for regulated numbers of staff on duty in wards, especially those for the elderly - but you cannot legislate for emergency leave, nor the need to accompany another patient elsewhere.

I made it to Merthyr in time - and for that, I am grateful. She died holding my hand - and she'd always said she never wanted to die alone. I thought she'd gone to sleep - and she had.

It's now nearly six months since she died. She would be astonished - and amused - at quite how much I miss her. She would be caustically amused, for example, that the HSBC require me to go to a branch with a copy of granted probate, the letter of 26th September sent by their Bereavement Team , plus two forms of identification (passport & a bill from within the last 3 months) - only to watch, bemused, while someone photocopies these documents, returns them to me, then tells me they will be sent to the Bereavement Team... I could have done that at home...

I think of her frequently; and I can feel the warmth of her affection and love for me: a gossamer scarf, woven of tenacious threads.

A moment in the sun

I have much more understanding of the Victorian mindset on death. Her birthday has passed (November 24th), and so has Christmas. There is still Mothering Sunday to face, and I may wimp out on that. I find myself wearing black almost automatically; I don't feel quite right in colours just yet. I recognise I am grieving for two parent, as my own grief when my father died was muffled by the enormity of Mum's. A shaft of joy came when I discovered Dad's signet ring: I now wear this on one hand, Mum's wedding ring on the other.

Death, like taxes, is inevitable. It's top of the list of high stressors. If you know someone who's recently suffered a bereavement, be kind to them: you will appreciate all the kindness that comes your way when it happens to you.